Don't Read This

I Don't Know Livejournal

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 01:57:39 GMT

July is almost over and it went exquisitely. As planned and hoped.
However, LJ, I think I may end you. I started this as a way to reread my thoughts and events from the past, but now I'm afraid I will use something else. I bought a three dollar russian doll journal that I can write all of those thoughts and events in now. It even has places for pictures, movie/ticket stubs, and drawings. Just these couple entries here shows a lot of growth though. I started a college year, a relationship, and depression and also ended a college year, a relationship (luckily rekindeled), and depression with this journal. But now I will continue this same journal but in a more confidential setting because this was made for me really. And now I finally have a physical book to write, draw, and put pictures in all in one. I don't think I'll ever get a new one either. Just rather write in something I physically can carry and have only to myself.

July Jewels.

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 16:53:19 GMT

Fourth of July came and passed. It was my one year with my fella and it was lovely. We went to two different shindigs and actually saw fireworks. It was kind of really good luck to see such great ones too. Wonderful view and lots of bugbites. We also watched some "Twilight Zone' episodes like we did one year ago and enjoyed some champagne. We also exchanged cards (and my nesquik) and it was funny because we finally said I love you again to each other since our break. I put I love you in a little decode system cause I was chicken, but I still put it and he decoded it quickly. Then we kissed in my driveway like our first time a whole year ago and reminisced. Romance is pretty sweet. Alright, alright, mushy time is over:)

So Gabestock went well. Every piece of my cake and all of my cupcakes went. I was pretty pleased with myself. And Heather and Sam liked all of their gifts. I had a good time at the shindig too. Bands, volleyball, swimming, food, and people. Bound to be good.
All I've been doing is working, swimming, and hanging out with people. I saw 'Bruno' last week and it was..gloriously gay. Been to a couple get togethers with dancing in kitchens and just random stuff. I'm hoping to get off Tuesdays and Wednesdays now so Capemay Zoo trip should happen sooner. Working six out of seven days is killing me now. I tried it for a month or so, but I'd rather work an extra hour one or two days to make up for a whole other day going there. I've been shopping and got myself some things. Yesterday, I went to the mall with Heather and Sam and Sam got her ears pierced! And I got myself a jumper dress for ten bucks.
Saturday is my step sister's graduation party. I'm excited because I don't have to host a party but just eat everything I can and just shit chat with people. Also, this weekend Kate's family is leaving for vacation but Kate..!! I wish I could ever have my house to myself. Anyway, we got some plans for the week! Ladies poker night, cocktails, night swimming amongst whatever else we come up with. I wanna bake another cake. I also wanna get my tattoo. I might just randomly do it on a whim. I'm scared though. Not for the pain really, but afraid that I won't like it or I'll regret it. Mayrh.
Well, back to work today, or the next six days.

July, Bitches

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 18:34:04 GMT

I can't believe how fast June went. It started pretty horribly, but it ended quite exquisitely. The sun finally came back out too. Sometime last week I went to Wildwood at like 10:30 to 2:00am with Sam and Kate. The boardwalk there is crazy! There's three different piers with lots of rides and lots of shops. I can't believe I haven't been there in years. We went on the ferriswheel and I met Kate's grandma. There was this really cool old fashioned Wawa we went to before driving home too.
I've also been shopping for Heather and Sam's birthday presents like crazy and I can't wait to hand them out! I wrapped them awesomely and everything matches the cake that I'm baking for their party next weekend. I really hope it doesn't rain because this party's gonna be sweet. I'm quite stoked.
Things with Zack and I have been really good. Fo' reals. His parents went away for two weeks so he has the house to himself. Lucky. He's been making me dinner and once my kitchen has a stove again I'm going to attempt to cook for him. It makes me really happy having everything back and so far better I think, but it just makes me all the more nervous! Ha, I dunno. I'm just neurotic. It's going so well and it's summer, but I'm terrified for next semester or it just ending again when I'm so happy. I should just suck it up, right? I mean it's only been two weeks back and I feel we're already back. My nervousness has to dwindle and it does a little every time I'm with him. And not only is July fourth one of the best lady's birthday ever (Mac!), it's also me and Zack's one year. We decided to count it and I'm glad. I just hate how I get so scared sometimes because I'm happy again, but it's normal I suppose.
July is going to be excellent. The first day I already went to a party and there's going to be many more with friend's parents going away and BDay/Graduation parties. And now I'm getting 4O hours a week, from Sunday to Sunday at Partyland so it's getting me money. This month will be awesomely tiring. I just hope it doesn't go by fast.

Change of A Lot

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 17:23:47 GMT

It's strange how one moment you feel one way, then completely different the next. But the original feeling is back by a couple of words. The right ones. And you don't mind that this feeling is back because it’s comfortable and familiar, but you can't help but wonder where or why it went away. Or if it really did to begin with. And you're terrified that it's returning, terrified, but you know you owe it to yourself and no one else to try it out even if it means risking it all again. Because in it's absence you found something in yourself again that may have made you fade from the beginning. And all the feelings you had were so real, in between, and every feeling you have now are too. And when you look back on how you felt know that you are willing now to put most aside to see how you can feel better again in the future. From one entry to the next. You have a feeling it could be good again. And it's a gut feeling so you know it means a lot. Being scared has to fade eventually and be replaced with trust.
But you feel different, in a good way. Stronger than before, but nonetheless swept away again. And you owe it to five very special ladies: ma, sister, and three bittys Sam, Heather, and Kate. Without them individually and as a whole you wouldn't have been strong enough for anything. Dealing with anything from the past, but most importantly how to be strong enough to move forward to what can come. They made your heart strong and maybe even stronger. This entry from the last goes a long way. Hopefully in the right way. I believe it is.

You believe that you'd rather be a little nervous, scared, and happy than angry, forgetful, and numb. A heart is broken by love, but it's also healed by it. No matter where it comes from.

'And they say with every broken heart, we should become more adventurous.'
Even if you become more adventurous with the person who broke your heart to begin with.
Because you never know who can fix it.

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 16:41:04 GMT

Aw god this sucks. Sleeping is hard cause i wake up to all those horrible words and thoughts, those words hidden between the lines, and the false ideas i had for who knows how long. if i knew how his philoshophy worked, how he had these thoughts, i would've never started anything. never begun. never let him have a second chance. yeah, second. i'd rather have gone unknowing than find out that he would let me be less than what he wants, or what i am. i would've never let myself love him, never put all of myself into him when all he would do is give me less and almost on purpose. in the back of his mind for the entire time he thought it wouldn't last long, just waiting for it to end, but then he realized it wasn't so he abruptly ended it. he wants to find something better than me. he knows there's something better than me or he'd be back. i had no idea how tempted he was or how much he would be tempted by other girls. that "all" of what we had would come down to this. i didn't realize how little i am and was in his eyes. and as everyday passes i taste that a little more. it doesn't make me feel better to hear he's miserable. drinks himself to sleep cause he feels bad for himself. i feel better for a second but then completely horrible the next because i realize that even though he's miserable he doesn't want me enough to come back. he doesn't regret it and knows there's something better than me. tell me otherwise. he doesn't regret it. there's no doubt in his mind as everyday passes. cause when you regret you want to change and fix it but he doesn't so i taste that too a little bit more everyday. get snapped out of this fucking dreamworld. i'm getting worse instead of getting better because this taste in my mouth gets a little more horrible everday. and i don't care who reads this and i don't care for pretending it didn't happen anymore. if you read this, know i don't regret writing any word. i don't regret writing it here instead of hiding it either to protect your ego. you do that well enough. all i regret is letting myself get so wrapped up into you just to be hung by my heart because you want something better. something better, something better. god, everytime i hear your name it all rushes back to me and i wish i could just forget how much i was in. and how much you were waiting for a chance to run. and how much i want it to have never happened. how you think of me as a character in a story now. not really thinking of looking into my eyes and seeing them. i was only supposed to be a sentence in your story but it was becoming a paragraph so you ripped the pages out in midsentence. everyday will get worse but i fucking pray to some god that a day will come where i can sleep and not be woken up by your horrible and undeserving words. go forth and rule the world of college. find that something better. don't say regret because it's not the truth. can't swallow pride because finding out sounds sooo much better. but thank you, thank you for breaking a heart that is out of my own control to fix. just... just, stop pretending you care. put the drinks down and conquer and find that temptation. you've changed and listened to them well. the things i had planned this summer for you... you'll be a lonely president.

here's to all the pretty words we will never speak.
here's to all the pretty girls you're gonna meet.
betrayal is a thorny crown, you wear it well. just like a king.
revenge is the saddest thing, honey i'm afraid to say. you deserve everything.

Here's to Healing

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 17:19:21 GMT

"For the slow fade of love
It might hit you from below
It's your gradual descent
Into a life you never meant
It's the slow fade of love."

This is a change in my life. I found that angry words, even ones I don't regret, still can't heal me and are only a front to feeling so hopeless. I had more faith. I may never be able to swallow what happened, but maybe being numb is the only way to form a smile again. I made this journal for my memory and my own piece of mind and I'd rather end with individual solitude than vengefulness. This journal doesn't end here and either does my life and love. And I won't forget how we were or what he did. But trying to be a better person is in my heart even when it's in two. I must let it be, not look back, and go forward so I can finally stop crying. Here's to Healing.

Freshman Year of College Complete

Wed, 06 May 2009 01:15:41 GMT

The formal I went to was a lot of fun. It was at a shaddy place where anyone could have been stabbed but everyone I think survived. Fun time dancing.
Today I left Stockton. Picked up everything and left for summer. Not really sure how I feel about it so this entry should be really good. Heads up.
Took my last final, just kept packing my car, and drove home with an airy head. Didn't really think of anything but made it home okay. All my bags are piled in my room and haven't been touched. It's going to take me days to unpack everything and get my room in order. That's my plan tomorrow. Start to unfold that heep mess. I'm kind of excited to decorate and rearrange my room again. Gasp! - Maybe I'll even rearrange my furniture! Then once the weather stops being an asshole, summer will set in and I'll be busy working and having a relaxed good time with friends and no school work. I wanna be swimming in the money. I need to figure out where to volunteer. Can't wait to tackle this summer down and just breathe in the heat and humidity. I love warmth.
Right now and probably for the first couple weeks I won't miss Stockton. But I think that by the ending of summer I may get sick of working so much and living at home that I'll be excited to move into an apartment and be on my own in a sense again. I'm already excited for it but I can definitely wait. Now I'm a sophomore at college.

Guess who is Awesome again?!

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 15:44:33 GMT

God the last month I felt like I wasn't completely alive. You know that voice inside of your head, your conscience, what makes you the person you are, and it sets you apart from other people by just thinking whatever you think? Welll I somehow lost that over the past month. I know I lost it because when I got it back I realized that's what was missing. My thoughts from the past month can't even be remembered entirely right now. I'm soo happy that I got myself back. No more ups and downs. There was no reason for me to fall into a cyclone and there was no reason for me to get out of it. I don't know. All I know is that I owe some people apologies. It must've been all internal but I was searching for something familiar to remind myself on who I was by bugging external friends that were close to me, but they woudn't be able to help me because it was all in my head. I never EVER experieced something like what happened in my entire life. Never thought I would get lost in my own head as much as I did. And now I'm realizing a difference in myself. I'm so anxious to see people that I know I treated stupidly because of my weird insecurity. And hell, I know I'm not that insecure man, damn. I can't believe how different I feel from then and now. I don't intend to fall into whatever I went through again. I don't know if anyone can relate to what I said above, but I really hope not.

Anyway! The past week has been really fun. I went to jail and a juvie center for my Corrections class. I spent like an hour laughing at my friend who slipped in a puddle when we pretty much missed the entire tour of the juvie center. We both still wrote a reaction paper and got extra points too haha. I went to a concert Friday night and Saturday I went to Six Flags. It was such a beautiful day that day too and we ate lunch in my car since the stands are so expensive. College is almost over! May fifth come sooner! I'm going to Zack's formal with him which is like a college prom. I'm excited for that too on May first. I'll post what my dress looks like. This weather is so beautiful and now I have to go to work. Oh well, get that monay.

It's April Something

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:02:30 GMT

Times have been alright. I've still been up and down, but I think I'm finally getting my sanity back. Last time I said that though was a lie. But this time... this time I really hope it sticks. And I think it will. I'm excited for working in the summer and I'm REALLY excited for next semester in an apartment, having a job, and socializing in the courts. I think all of this will make me feel really at home in Pomona. My schedule for next semester is set and I got what I wanted.

Monday and Wednesday-
3:35- 5:25 = Police Behavior and Organization

Tuesday and Thursday-
8:30-10:20 = Theories of Criminality
10:30-12:20 = Criminal Procedure Investigation
2:30-4:20 = Biology of Marine Mammals

I'll have off on Fridays and I get done Monday through Thursday not too late so I can work night hours like 5-10 or something.. hopefully. Then I can work on the weekends. And yes, you did see Biology of Marine Mammals and that doesn't fit in with any of those other classes, but I have to take it for some reason because it fills a requirement. My friend is taking it too and Biology is cool and so are animals of the sea. Tuesdays and Thursdays will be long, but I can party on Thursday nights and not have to wake up for classes on Friday!

My days since the last update have been fairly active thankfully. I went to a party on Tuesday and had off Wednesday for Precepting. Instead of class Sam and I cleaned Lake Fred of trash for an hour or so. I even wrote an article for my college newspaper and it got front page! Yesterday I went to the Atlantic County Jail for my Intro. to Corrections class. It was quite... terrifying/interesting. I was told to go on America's Next Top Model (nice right?) But then I was told that a girl was gonna find me and kill me. Called sweetcheeks and someone even told a guy in our class to turn around. That was a reference to buttfucking. Tomorrow we go to the Juvenille Institution in Egg Harbor. I don't know if it will be better or worse. Now, I have to write reaction papers on both places.

This weekend is exciting. Friday at Stockton, Jack's Mannequin and Matt Nathanson are having a concert for five bucks and Saturday I'm going to Six Flags with three friends. I'm driving and it's gonna be a hour and half drive but it'll be worth it. Nice little road trip. I hope the weather is nice. It says it'll be partly cloudy and 69 degrees! And I'm planning on going to the gym everyday since there's only three weeks left st school! May fifth.. actually fourth for me!

I'm Done With the Glooms: Reasons, Help, Stuff

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 20:21:08 GMT

So, the last three weeks my mood was switching from "suck-it-up asshole" to "gloomsville."
Now, I can say that both moods are done and it's back to my mood of "live-it-up asshole."

Reasons: It's hard to think what caused such a gloom when no one died, I didn't fail at anything, or that I have such great friends. For some reason I think I forgot about the last one. I know that I have grade A+ friends, I truly do have them. Especially now in my life.But being upset made me want to isolate myself from them because I didn't want my mood to rub off on them. And I didn't want to talk to them about it because I would just feel like a bore or a chore to them since they would have to listen. I'm always the one someone can talk to and try and give decent advice, but when I want something like that in return I either: don't recognize that that's what I need or feel like a bother. I'll probably always feel like a bother, and I know that it's a stupid thing to feel. Plus, I've always been in and out of friendships, so trying to talk to anyone is not necessarily hard with trust, but hard to believe that they'll be okay listening or understanding.
My reason for being so upset is not the bull I said in the last entry about domestic violence. I used such a little discomfort in my life as an out of other things building up. Stockton has become a sort of trap for me. This wasn't the case first semester, but about February it started to feel like a prison where only school took place over and over. I need to still get involved with Stockton. I'm mad that it's taken me this long to realize it too. This goes along with not having a job, but also not knowing Stockton the way I want to especially a person living here. My boyfriend is joining a frat and he's absolutely stoked for it and I am absolutely stoked for him. It's hard for him, but he's driven and ambitious about it. He's going to get that college experience and the grades to match. My grades are fine (better than I thought!) but my experiences are lacking. So what do I do? Join a sorority? I don't think so because unlike a frat where different kinds of guy personailities learn to form a brotherhood through their differences, sororities focus on how alike sisters have to be. Being just like your sister or 'big' is what matters in a sisterhood. In short, I'd rather join a frat than a sorority. I tried the newspaper club, but they treated Sam and I like jerks. I must find a club. Volunteer.

Help: Luckily, and recently, I've buckeled down and realized this. My boyfriend was helpful in more ways than one, but he's so involved with his frat that it's hard to relate completely. Plus, if you know Zack, you know how easy it is for him to make a friend. Talking to my roomy Sam Blam after a way too long hiatus because of other reasons (not us), we realized we're both going through the same thing. We both need an out or something that actually keeps us here at Stockton instead of just school work. Something to be ambitious about, something that takes up time so we're not thinking so much about pointless stuff. And why the hell didn't I talk to her sooner? Or to each other sooner? Well, we have no idea why. It relates to above reasons and not having the opportunity to really talk, but last night we stayed up from 1-2:3O talking about it. I am very grateful. That someone else feels the same way.

Stuff: I've gotten my first ear infection. Last week I felt sick at the gym and then on Tuesday I felt so sick and my ear and along my neck was swollen enough for me to have to go to the clinic. I'm on two antibiotics and have to eat gross yogurt so I don't get the lovely yeast infection. The one pill makes feel loopy and sleepy, so going to classes was fun. This week was better as you can guess. Went bowling, had a party, went to the shore, and went to 'a night of sex' show, carnival thing. It was pretty cool and funny.

That was a long-ass entry, but what was said needed to be said even if it's just randomly on a website no one reads.

School, Summer Work, Depression?

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 02:40:21 GMT

The rest of Spring Break was fine. I'm sad it's already over and it's been a week already back. But I went to Sonic for the first time and just had a good time. It went fast though.

School: Back at Stockton makes me sad because school work continues. This week was extra busy do to my research paper, labs, and tests. At least my paper and lab are done and my last test is tomorrow. Next week I have Tuesday off due to Preceptorial Meetings. A month and a half longer of this bull then summer.

Summer Work: I went to an interview Monday at AnnieSez and she said she'd call me before May 5th to give me hours and I'm getting hours at Partyland too for the summer. More than expected there which is nice. Hopefully nothing clashes with hours.

Depression?: I don't know if it would be called depression, but I've been in such a sad mood for the past two weeks. I've never felt so bad before and nothing in particular is that bad to make me feel this way at all, ya know? I almost had to walk out of my class today because we were talking about domestic violence and I started crying. I mean, that did happen during my childhood, but it never made me so sad as it did actually talking and listening about it. We even watched a video with a wife being beat and it was just really scary for me. It made me remember more than I ever did before. I couldn't even watch and tried humming so I couldn't hear what was being talked about. I was fidgity. Plus, I kept thinking about how my mom and my step dad are having troubles lately and it, well, scares me I suppose. Not saying that physical abuse would happen between them, but verbal/emotional is definately. My mom already experienced physical abuse and now she has to deal with verbal/emotional abuse? None of this is really depressing or is related directly to me at all, but I couldn't help but slump. Plus, the slumping from not having a job. Ugh, I've just been in a slump and can't get out. I was sooo happy a month ago and usually am. I don't do slumps. I'm usually happy or just able to handle things better and not let anything get to me because I know it's not the end of the world. And it isn't, it never is. Whatevs, I'll get over. It's just taking longer than normal. What the hell. Baby tigers need to be on animal planet again so I can dream to cuddle with one.

P.S. I got my new cellphone and I love it!

Electronic, Work, School, and Life News

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 16:42:48 GMT

Electronic News: That's my new cellphone that I got yesterday and I think I love it! It's called the Black Jack II. It's white and a pretty blue, as you can see, and it has a QWERTY keyboard. That is new for me, but I'm sure I will get used to it. IT HAS SOLITAIRE! That's about the best thing about it. I can't wait to mess around with it some more and take pictures for my wallpaper and such. It's so different than my old razr and my mom wanted to upgrade a little and she picked this one. It cost fifty bucks after rebate, but I'm happy and surprised with my mother's choice. The camera is so much nicer than the razr too and.. it has solitaire! It's sweeet.

Work News: I worked Saturday and I'm working Thursday. I'll probably work this weekend again hopefully. Three days in one week is pretty good from Tom. But what is really exciting is that Monday after my two morning classes I have an interview or a "talk with me" thing with a really nice lady at Annie Sez off of 73. It's about 1.5 hours away from Stockton, but only 20-25 minutes from home depending on traffic and 5-10 minutes from Partyland. Plus, my friend Devin works there too! So, hopefully I get it because she seemed really nice and had a promising voice. Also! I applied to Modell's right next to Partyland and Tom knows the manager and talked with him so I may get a job there too! He said he would work with Tom's hours and it's right next door. This way I'll have three part time jobs and I won't be so depressed not doing anything but school work anymore. This all happened within the past two days of Spring Break so I'll say it's going pretty well. I'll really like working at a clothing store and Devin says she really likes it and all three jobs are in the same general area of Berlin. I just hope the hours don't clash because I don't want to disappoint anyone by not being able to work. I applied to Petsmart, Payless, and Staples but that was two days ago online so no one has gotten back to me, but that doesn't really matter since these two seem to be working out. Plus, I'll be working at Partyland too for Summer hours when it gets busier than the Winter hours. I'm excited to make money and feel worthy again. And I'm not worried about me not having time to do anything fun because none of those stores close super late. I think Modell's may close at 10, Partyland closes at 8 on the latest days, and Annie Sez can't close that late either- maybe 9 or 10. None of them are super late or bad at all. Anyway, as you can see by the length and rambling of this paragraph that I'm excited. Hope it all works out.

School News: I have a page an a half of a eight to ten page research paper done. I'm going to work on it some more after this entry update. It's on Lithium Treatment for Bipolar Disorder which Max Bemis is prescribed. Hope I do everything right and it's organized etc. I want to do well because it's my favorite class of the semester and I like the professor and hope she teaches Personality next semester. That's all with school except that it's going to get warmer and that always brightens up a hipppie's day at Stockton... including mine.

Life News: Besides that "grown-up" shit I've had a prett busy Spring Break so far. I thought I was not going to have anything to do and be super bored. I wasn't going to do anything but my research paper and mope around some more, but that's turning out not to be the case. Every night I've been out and about and I've been waking up at 9:30 applying and such. Lets see... Friday night went to a Concert! Saturday worked and finally saw Zack. Sunday I applied like crazy, same with Monday. Monday late afternoon, Zack and I met up with Kate and Jim and went to the Cherry Hill Mall which is ridiculously nice with a hint of a high class feel. I finally saw 'Sex Drive' which was amazing! J A M E S M A R S D E N... Today will be my second day working on my paper then I'm going to a St. Patty's Day get together at Rowan. Tomorrow night is a Sam Perry Bonfire and Thursday I have work and maybe/hopefully a get together at Kate Schmate's house. Saturday night I'll probably see the high school play 'Grease.' I'm excited to see it definitely. I'm sure it'll be great. I enjoyed the Fall play. And Sunday, it's back to good ol' (but actually fairly new compared to other colleges) Stockton. Only a month and a half left of the semester until Summer. It went crazy fast, but I'm excited to live in an apartment with awesome people come Fall.

I seem to enjoy splitting my entries up into little subtitles now. SOLITAIRE!

School is killer. Money is slimming. Spring break is coming!

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 16:57:05 GMT

Lets go in order shall we?

School is killer:
I finished my 5 page paper diagnosing Winona Ryder's character in 'Girl, Interrupted' for my Abnormal Psychology class. Now, I get to enjoy my spring break writing a 8-10 page research paper on Bipolar Disorder. I picked Bipolar Disorder because Max Bemis has it and he's one of my favorite singer/songwriters. The paper has to be in APA style and alllll. It counts as a huge percent of my grade, so I'm stoked...
That's Psychology. My Statisitcs for Criminal Justice class has three DAYS of midterms. I took the first part today and I feel like I just had a Lobotomy. Buuutt I think I did well even with the ending result of dizziness and drooling.
My Intro. to Corrections midterm is next Wednesday and I think everyone in my class feels like they have no idea what the test will be on. The guy just talks about himself and his experiences which is cool and entertaining, but is this test going to be on his life? If so, I don't even remember where he's from!

Money is slimming:
I like working. I feel achieved when doing so, but not working now makes me feel quite worthless. And apparantly to my step dad, I am. I don't want to spend my money unless I am making money at the same time. And I just keep thinking about after college and having this big debt. I want to be able to knock a significant amount of it down right off the bat. School is school, but there's more to it than that, and I'm nineteen, I need a job during school. Definitely, summer and next semester I'm having a job along with school. People do both all of the time. Wish I could just get money back for doing the right thing in society, but maybe I should get preggo so I get money back for my education. Those hoes got the right idea.

Spring Break is coming:
Now, both A and B above fit somehow into this category. A: I'm gonna have to write that paper and B: I wonder if I can get any hours at Partyland. I'm going to apply other places too just in case Partyland isn't all it's worked up to be anymore. Or I'll just have two jobs. Summer I wanna work like crazy to get out of Bobland, or should I say home. Summer makes me excited. Sun. Then a month before next semester starts, Like early August, I'll start applying for jobs near Stockton. I just feel stupid not working. Maybe Bob is right. No. That could never be the case. Something is wrong when a person can never be good enough for their parent. It's a good thing I don't see Bob as a parent. Thought I could in the past, but the older I got, the more I realized that I'm more mature than him. Go figure. A nineteen year-old more mature than most of her family. I felt that way ever since I was like.. thirteen? Even with with puberty. In a twisted way, they made me who I am, but I hope they realize that I'm not without mistakes. If I make one mistake, it'll be the biggest screw up ever. But another family member could get pregnant, but it won't even be a disappointment because no one thought better of her. Not even her father. He doesn't think better of anyone. Yep, can't wait for summer...

It's March, Argo. I'm coming for your throat. You owe me $50. Don't think I forgot.

RapBrown

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 23:52:55 GMT

Since the last update things have been better. Ended up telling my mom casually about what happened with the cop. I think she is FINALLY realizing certain things from the past and future about dear ol' Bobby and hopefully she'll use that in order to defend herself more. It's not the 195O's anymore. But anyway, to recent news.
The past weekend was Valentine's weekend blah blah. I went out to dinner at The Library with Zack and then to a Valentine's Day Cocktail party that his frat that he wants to pledge was throwing. It didn't annoy me as much as I thought it would. My entire outfit for the evening was $10.87 and I really liked my dress. He looked classy too. But my present for him was hard to imagine. So, I ended up making him a......Rap Video under the rap name B.B.Gun. Hence my initials. Here's the video and lyrics...

"Zack Brown, Zack Brown
You make me at like i'm on crack Brown
Every time I see you, wanna touch your sac Brown
Your booty, lips, dick is like you're black Brown
IT'S HUUGEEE!!!
Your skills are killa
Seduced Brett Milla
Got Joe Berzansky to drop his panties
And Jimmy Lange?
I heard he touched his wang
It's not as huge guys, it's not
It's just an expression
I know you're not gay
Don't sink into depression
Now drop your pants so we can get down
I'mma go give love to my Zack Brown
... Dang, it is huge."

It was a really good weekend. I think he liked the rap :)
This week I've already had a Crim. Statistics test and Friday is going to suck. I have a Abonoraml Psychology exam on six chapters and then a Lab in Statistics. Supposedly Saturday my friends and I are going on a "Weird New Jersey" trip. Who knows where we'll go. Batsto is close to Stockton so we might stop by there and other places. We have to plan or it's not going to happen. After Friday I'm going to need a good weekend.

First Spring Semester Weekend

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 18:47:52 GMT

At first I was going to go see that Bloody Valentine movie in 3-D this weekend because my friends were, but I got myself out of seeing it by being invited to go to Rowan. Watched Zack play saxophone, went to a party, and watched a movie. All was good all around this past weekend, but then Sunday happened. I left Rowan and stopped at home to drop off a play station because my step sister is spoiled and needs every type and game system for her boyfriend. I walked in and walked out of my house because I can't stand my step dad. He was never really this bad ever before in my life. Never. I never considered him to be the typical step dad that I'm supposed to hate cause he's not my real dad or anything, but recently he's been so miserable towards my mom and me. He's always been an ass to my sister and I haven't had the opportunity to understand her ideas of him until I was old enough to put everything together. Since my sister moved out, because of him, now I'm the only person ( the only non-Stimelski) there for him to make feel horrible. My sister and I aren't bad people in any way, but he finds any and I mean any type of reason to bring us down even if it's the smallest thing. His daughter doesn't live with him. Obviously she lives with her mom about an hour away but visits her dad occasionally. Usually when she wants something her mom said no to or just needs to get away from her mom when she doesn't get her way. Her dad gives her everything and lets her get away with anything. Why is that my sister would get a C in Chemistry and my step dad would take the computer away from her, but when HIS daughter fails math and gets arrested for underage drinking NOTHING happens?? She gets a Xbox and Wii. I get decent grades in high school without anyones help and he doesn't want me to go away to college and expects me to drop out. I don't know where he made that conclusion because what way have I shown that as a possiblity? He just wants me to fail and not look better than his family. He never let my sister and I in and I'm realizing that more and more. The only reason why I didn't feel his hate was because I am near the same age as his own daughter and had to entertain her so he didn't have to. So in that case, I was useful to him so he didn't have to entertain her. When I was younger I was forced to stay home instead of going to my friend's parties that I was invited to because I had to play with her. Where was my mom during this? I don't know. It wasn't noticeable to me until my sister said something. He hoped like hell that my sister did drugs in high school and tried to find them in her bedroom by tearing it apart and when she came home she moved out. He invaded her space and didn't find what he was looking for. He wasn't necessarily looking for drugs though. He was looking for a reason to bring her down in other people's eyes. Now, it's my turn. Where's my mom in all this? Still, I don't know. But now, my mom secretly wants to punch him but she's too comfortable and has given up on everything. She puts this burden on me to try and prove him wrong and I shouldn't have to prove shit to him.
Anyway, what brings all this crap up is that on Sunday, I spent my entire forty minute drive from my house to Stockton balling my eyes out. I didn't know I needed to cry that much either. Just seeing his face and my mom sitting there like a doll under his spell made me sooo upset. And on top of that, I got pulled over by a cop. Yep. He said he saw that I was crying and had my hand to my face while driving and wanted to make sure I was okay. He said I was speeding too which I believe but I didn't even notice. I was just too upset. I could tell he felt embarrassed and felt bad. He didn't even take my license back to his car or say anything about a warning or whatnot. He just said be careful and try to talk to someone about my problem. He was very nice and I didn't even feel nervous or mad about being pulled over just.. it was kind of funny because I was such a mess and he didn't even know what to do. So all of that was about one hour of my Sunday. Usually I can laugh off my step dad's bullshit, but I think I laughed off too much and it just all caught up with me. I can't tell my mom about this either. That's what kills me because it would kill her.

Snow and Spring Semester

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 17:05:08 GMT

I moved back to Stockton Sunday right before the snow hit. So far, the past two days had the most snow I've seen all year. It must mean something good right?

I caught up with some friends here and we're already back to our old habits of television, raves, and wawa trips. Soon we'll squeeze movie making time into our schedules since two people now have video cameras thanks to Christmas. My Christmas present is now set up and in use. This gift being my new speakers for my ipod and cds. I had to switch up my desk arrangment, but I like it better this way. I even tacked up some of my old drawings from last semester. Nothing fancy. Just stupid dinky drawings with sarcastic remarks thrown in. This semester I want to draw/doodle more and take more pictures to post in here. Maybe even some of these videos we're gonna make.

When I first moved back in I was kind of upset. I don't really know why. It's just another change. First, being here was new and exciting, then going back home for break was heartwarming and recognizable, but now being back it's not so exciting. Then again, I must think positive. I have new classes and I now know this school well enough to learn how to break and bend the rules. I'm in my dorm alone while Sam is at class, listening to 'the Kooks,' and looking out the window to sunny skies and half dried snow on the ground. I'm content and more relieved at being back. It's not prison and i'm not trapped physically or mentally.

Being back also means having a roommate and desk again. It's nice having someone to talk to and Sam and I already had one of our philisophical discussions all tired eyed and rambled tongued. I told her that I'm not the kind of person who lives the day like it's their last. I think the opposite. My way of thinking is well, just to live for tomorrow. Sounds corny that way. Let me explain. I try like hell not to get myself overwhelmed because I don't want today to be my last so why live that way? Spread things out and have something to look forward to. Instead of missing something or someone, look forward to the time when it or they happen in your life again. Notice how and when it happens and realize it happened that way because that's when it wanted to. This is not to depress the idea of surprises or spontaneity. It corresponds to the same idea. Try not to plan so much except for the things that really need a plan towards accomplishment. Take things a little slower. Tomorrow will come and if it doesn't, you went out relaxed with a dream for the future. Don't plan on dying.

Where the hell did that come from?!

Oh, and classes? They're good. I had three out of four so far. I have a night class tonight. I think I'll do fine. If I don't, I tried, and it's not gonna hurt me in anyway because life is not based on college grades it's based on effort. People here and at colleges in general are just so stressed- and for what? You'll be fine because if I can do all this bullshit, so can you. I don't know what I'm gonna do in the future, but I can't predict it. All I know is that I may be on the right track with the field I'm studying and the friends I'm making and already have. If you can say that, you're in the top fifty percent of people in the world. If you don't, you have somethiing to look forward to today and the future.

The End of Oh Eight

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 23:41:42 GMT

To celebrate the New Year I'm going to make a list of all the events that happened in 2008. Many events happened over the past year, so trying to remember everything was hard, but I tried my best. I'm going to try and go in order, so I'll start in January.

- Senior year and could drive to school.
- I applied to Rowan University and Richard Stockton College.
- Got my real license with no limitations.
- My family got a new puppy named Juno after the character in "Beetlejuice."
- I saw the Spice Girls in Newark with my sister and co-worker Manda.
- Joined Winslow Drama Club put on "Guys and Dolls" with a funny videos and memories.
- Got accepted to both colleges but decided on Stockton.
- Skipped school and went to Six Flags.
- Went to Senior Prom weekend in Ocean City.
- Went to Diseny World on my senior class.
- Graduated from Winslow High School.
- Starting dating a guy named Zack and received my first kiss on Independence Day.
- Went to Mexico with my family for a week.
- Moved into college dorm room and finished my first college semester.
- Went to the State Penitentiary in Phildelphia.
- Saw Saves the Day featuring Moneen and Anthony Green with some friends.
- Went to Atlantic City and the Rain Forest Cafe for the first time with friends.
- Saw Hellogoodbye featuring NeverShoutNever, Play Radio Play, and Ace Enders.
- Said 'I love you' to someone other than a family member.
- Went to New York City and saw Phantom of the Opera and Hairspray.
- Saw Ace Enders featuring Good Old War and the Morning Light with Zack for my bday.

Tried to keep everthing simple and for just the major events. There's so many events that happened too, and I'm sure I forgot something. So much has happened ad changed over the past year, and here's to finding out how 2009 turns out.

It's Over

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 03:10:07 GMT

Christmas is over. It's over. It came and went so quickly and without much enthusiasm this year. I think that goes for a lot of people. It's ashame.
Christmas Eve was nice with the Germans, but it went quickly and without any real excitement. Maybe because I'm getting older and older. Christmas Day I opened presents at my mom's house. Then, my sister and I saw "Yes, Man" before going to my dad's to play Rock Band for hours. I got some pretty awesome gifts though. New ipod with speakers, clothes, dvds, cds, books, a huge poster, of course awesome giftcards and cash.
Now, the new year is coming and I plan to wrap my experiences up in my next and final update for 2008. Until then.

Christmas is Crazy Soon!

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 18:19:13 GMT

I can't believe Christmas is soo soon. It's in ya know, two days. Ridiculous. I'm excited though. The Christmas Eve festivities with the family and the Christmas moviewith the sister(which is "Yes, Man.") Good stuff.

Over the weekend I baked cookies with my sister and other ladies. My sister and I would've just loved to eat the dough we made, but we were polite and baked it.
Saturday night, I went to an Ace Enders/The Morning Light/and Good Old War concert with Zack in Philadelphia. It was one my birthday presents from him and it was excellent. All three bands were really great. Serioulsy, they were all uniquely different, but great at what they were portraying. I really dug Good Old War. Folky type that I always adore. And Ace Enders played "Ever So Sweet" as his last song which beat his performance with Hellogoodbye by a billion.
Sunday I worked 9-5 on only three hours of sleep. Then, after work, Heather, Kate, and Sam came over and we all exchanged Christmas presents, made a Wawa trip, and watched a movie.

Well, all the Christmas gifts are bought and wrapped. All that's left is for the unwrapping! Then, it'll be New Years! Work is going to be crazy/busy/fun/and exhausting. Right after Christmas is work work work until 2009. It should be tiring but lots of fun...hopefully.

Have a Merry Christmas.

I Love Wrapping Gifts

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 20:48:17 GMT

Well, my birthday went perfectly fine. My 'Grandpop' Bella cancelled on lunch, but I wasn't surprised, so it wasn't a disappointment. Other than that, the day panned out nicely even though it rained. Hairspray was great because it had the original actor for the mother and our seats were awes. The next day, I went to see the Spinto Band with my sister, and they were crazygreat. Then, I went to work for the first time in four months! I thought it was going to take me a little bit to get back into my professional work-skills again, but it took about two seconds. New Years is going to be sooooo busy, so it's good I'm back in the swing of things. I'm excited for the business and craziness of New Years at Partyland.
I have to go to the Tunes Store tomorrow to find my last couple X'mas gifts. Remember that store? People barely go to that store or Coconut Records anymore. It's sad. I love both of those stores, but I wish there was one closer to home. Then, again, they'll probably go out of buisness. That's it.
P.S. Birthday money is beautiful.

My Birthday's Tomorrow??

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 00:33:30 GMT

I don't know why I'm in such a poop mood. Fall semester is completely over, my birthday is in about four hours, and I'm sitting absent-mindedly in my living room by myself watching a television show I hate.
I have this problem where my emotions get ahead of my brain functions and realizations, so I'm left trying to figure out why the hell my heart beats my brain in any race competition in life.
Maybe I'm nervous seeing/meeting my "Grandpop" Bella for the first time tomorrow. Do I need to introduce myself to him with the "your middle grandchild named Brittany" title when I shake his hand/hug him(??)Do I call him Grandpop, William, Will, or Billy? Secretly, I still expect him to cancel on the meeting tomorrow with some random excuse. I'm horrbile.
Maybe I'm nervous about driving to NYC with my dad and sisters because it's supposed to rain, and I just expect something bad to happen. I don't even know why I think that. But we're going to see "Hairspray" on Broadway!
Maybe I'm upset because at my age now, my mom was married with a seven month old (freckle-faced) baby. My parents would have been married 25 years today. 25 years. And I'm not a complete sour-puss over their divorce or anything, but right now, neither of them seem to be happy or love being loved or love at all.
Or maybe having a roommate helped me forget and block these retarded thoughts, but now that I'm not at Stockton, I think so much. It's only been one dang day!
Right when I came home from Stockton, I cleaned my whole room. I put stuff into bags to donate. It took me hours. Now, I have nothing to do but think about the past, the future, what could have been, what could be, and how psychotic I sound.
Ughh, what the brain. I need to shut up. I'm just nervous about tomorrow and sad about today. That's all.

Dear Heart, Brain figured you out and thinks you're stupid.

Semester is Over!

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 19:22:47 GMT

What the - the semester is over!? Crazy. My first college semester is over, and it's blowing my mind man. I packed my stuff up today for winter break, and I think I have everything. It would really suck if I forgot anything.
Tonight, Sam, Jonas, Hot Box, Allie, and I are having a little party in me and Sam's dorm room. We did Secret Santa and plan on watching Drake and Josh's new Christmas movie. Woo!
Saturday, I'm going home then to Rowan to see Zackariah play a show. Sunday, I have the annual German Club Christmas dinner with the family. Some good traditions right there.
And next week is my Birthday! On Thursday, I'm going to NYC to see "Hairspray" with my dad and two sisters. I'm stoked. It's going to be so cold but so worth it. Then, I'm sleeping over Phila, at Jasmine and John's to see The Spinto Band Friday afternoon!! Then, I work Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday. I'm excited to go back to work though, and glad I can still get the hours. I need and want the money. I want to work too for some reason.
So, I have a couple things coming up, and it's starting my winter break off nicely. It's going to be weird sleeping at home again for a month and a half.

Sam and I have awesome talks lying in bed before we go to sleep - about entities, neighbors, narwhals, bitches, and existence.

December was Rabbit Rabbited!

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 05:02:02 GMT

Rain on Me

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 01:10:14 GMT

Friday, I finally saw Zackalacka after two weeks, and we saw our old Winslow High School play, "Arsonic and Old Lace" with fellow/former classmates. It was funny and I heard the video was just as good. I can't wait until Gabe brings the un-cut version over.

I visited Caroline and Michelle at TCNJ with Allie on Saturday to Sunday! It was obviously nice there and all the buildings were of classy red brick and white stone. Very college. The weather was brutally cold, but the food was grilled heaven. Like Rowan, TCNJ beats Stockton over food choices in the face, but Stockton's dorm rooms are pretty top notch. I try to think positive: I live comfortably and have a lesser chance of gaining the freshmen fifteen -myth or not.

Tomorrow is my last day of classes before Thanksgiving! Oma & Opa time! I can't wait to go home, sit in my living room with the fire blazing, and listen to music with a drink in hand. I did that last weekend before the play, and I was just so happy for some reason. Low music, warmth, and a drink. I guess that is a simple pleasure of mine.

Well everyone, my birthday and christmas are strangley and shockingly coming up soon, but until then Happy Thanksgiving.

Weekly Weekend Update

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 21:50:38 GMT

I've been slacking, I know. Halloween was fun. I went to see Zack perform at Rockwells, and then we tried to see Atco ghost with Sam, Gabe, and Heather, but unfortunately, he was off duty. The next day, I went to the Rain Forest Café in Atlantic City with some friends to celebrate Steph's Birthday. It was awesome in there! I recommend the Delicious Volcano Nachos.

The weekend after, Zack came over to visit Stockton. I couldn't give him a tour because it rained all day Saturday, but it was nice to stay indoors too. We went to see "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" with others and it was hilarious and adorable. Also, I'm gonna get really corny and sappy right here so I'll make it quick, but… we said 'I love you' to each other for the first time. We've both never said that to anyone else before, so it was nerve wrecking and nice. Alright, I'm done with mushiness, makes me feel girly and shit.

After he left on Sunday, I went to a Hellogoodbye concert with two of my new friends (Jonas and HotBox) that I've met here at Stockton. It's crazy how close we are to each other already. Anyway, Ace Enders from Early November opened for them along with Never Shout Never and Play Radio Play. My friends and I were fricken front row for this show and it was so much fun! I wrote a review article for my college's newspaper, The Argo, about the concert and sent in pictures. It was printed in today's newspaper too! I'll get paid for writing this article too which I think is crazyawesome. I got Forrest Kline's (singer of Hellogoodbye) autograph and a picture with him. I also got Ace Enders signature, and I told him that I missed Early November… and he said his new stuff will be even better. We'll see Ace.

I touched his chest.

They're crazy!

Look it's Joe Marro from Early November on Keyboard!!

He fondled me…

This past weekend, I stayed at Stockton because my lovely sister came to spend the night! We watched a Tenacious D concert from a DVD she brought with her. Let me just say, Jack Black is an angel at vocals, and Kyle Gas is the biotch at guitar. On Saturday, after saying goodbye to my sister, I listened to music and went to see "Role Models" with Jonas. The movie was funny and had more heart than the previews expressed, but still awesome. I continued my Paul Rudd extravaganza by watching the new SNL with him, Beyonce, and JUSTIN on it. That's some funny stuff.

That's my weekends' updates. As for school, well, things are pretty normal and the same. I got a 102 on my last Criminal Justice test and an A- on my last paper in Rhetoric and Composition. Tomorrow I have a Psychology test which I have to begin studying for eventually. Oh, I picked out my classes for Spring Semester. Not all were my first choices unfortunately, but they will do. They are as follows:

8:30-9:45 //Abnormal Psychology = Mon, Weds, and Fri.
9:55-11:10 // Statistics for Criminal Justice = Mon, Weds, and Fri.
6:00-7:50 // Introduction to Corrections = Mon and Weds.
2:30-4:20 // Critical Social Issues = Tues and Thurs.

I'm happy with my schedule. I get to sleep in on Tuesdays and Thursdays and get done on Fridays at 11:10. No biggie. I'm scared for my Statistics class though!

This weekend… I'm going to see the play at Winslow on Friday, and then I'm visiting Caroline and Michelle at TCNJ with Allie from Saturday to Sunday! Woot!

I cannot wait until Thanksgiving! I want a dang turkey leg! That's right, I said it!